This time of year everyone is making resolutions. I always do...they are always the same...and I always fall short. I remember reading once that people who feel the gym is to busy this time of year should just try to stick it out until Feb. 6th. Because by then...most of the people who's resolution was to lose weight and work out...had quit.
I want so many things in my life. So this year...I decided no resolutions. I was inspired by a lot of you on here saying the same thing. Instead I decided to go with my new motto that I've already set into motion. Trying to give my problems to God...and instead of praying for "I want a new house" or "Please let this relationship work", I've instead been praying for God to guide me in the direction I need to go. It is funny...the peace that I've already gotten from this. NOT to say I don't struggle. Because I do. This weekend was one of those times. Some old ghosts from my past came back to haunt me. Actions of others hurt me..and hurt me deeply. It's so easy to fall back into that lashing out mode...to forget what I'm working so hard to achieve. I think I did pretty good...not perfect. ..but pretty good. Yet it doesn't stop the hurt from hurting, or the tears from falling.
I am lucky to have a wonderful family. Sometimes it's hard for me to talk to them. I don't want them to know I'm weak, or I'm hurting. I want to stay strong, and put on the charade of happiness. Yet...that's what I've done for so long...and it hasn't benefited me at all. I was able to talk with my sister tonight. And it felt good...it felt good that when I said that it felt like I had a knife go through my heart again...that she understood. She didn't judge me, she didn't tell me I was crazy after all I've been through. She just said..."I know." Those two little words meant a million to me. I love her.
It's hard when I'm hurt for me not to lash out at others. I have all this going through my head...and I'm just plain crabby. I feel horrible for snapping at my Mom...who did absolutely nothing. But it felt good to be able to apologize..and tell her, it's not you..it's me....and I'm sorry. She has done so much for me. So very much. So I prayed..I prayed for God to help me be patient, and loving, and kind.
I laid next to my beautiful baby boy tonight while he fell asleep. I prayed some more. Prayed for God to give me strength, to help me be the kind of Mother this little boy deserves. To guide me..in health, in finances, in helping this child grow into a wonderful adult. I looked at his amazing little face, and tears rolled down my face. I am so lucky. So incredibly lucky.
I want to be a better person in so many ways. So so many ways. I need help..God's help. I know he will take me to great places. All I need to do is let him. I've fought it for so many years...thinking I had the will to change things, silly me. I know this will be a wonderful, amazing year with God's help. I know I can achieve great things with God's help. It's going to be a good year...a good, good year! (sometimes, when I finish a post..I amaze myself at the minimal yellow spell check fixers, hehe)